25 October 2013

I need to get things in perspective in my life.  I am in a loveless, unhappy marriage with a man that has been diagnosed with dementia.   I made a mistake when I married him in 2004, I married him because I wanted a way out of being a caretaker for my mother!   I did not know then I was jumping from the fire into the frying pan which is equally as hot.. due to the cast iron demeanor of this man.  They say women change after they marry.. I beg to differ with you,.  After we married, no sex, no romance, nothing.  Our wedding day, I said let’s go to dinner, we just married at the JP’s office.  His reply was no I do not want to go back into the city.  Please it was just 30 miles.. hello, my dumb ass self should have said fine, I will go alone.. but I did not.   His brother and sister phoned and said hey we would like to take you guys out to dinner.. he said ok, and asked if I wanted to go.. How could I get the words “Hell no” out of my mouth fast enough!  I told him to go on if he wanted to go with them.   From that point on it was what i made of it. I said things so not to cause problems or do things that he would like.  What is wrong with me?  When did I become such a wussy girl?  Everything that comes out of this man’s mouth is negative!!!  He is forever saying, I do not want to be like my father.. well then damn it quit acting like him!  He worked for a while, then he started having back problems.  I understand that and it was really back issues.  Then he became dependent on pain killers and still is, smokes like a chimney has COPD, and now Demenita and has had mini strokes.  He will aggravate me and prod me until I lose it and cannot stand him, or to look at him.    I left him in 2009, and moved in with my mom, and started going back to church and I thought maybe I did not give our marriage a fair chance, and maybe I should go back to make sure I did everything I could possibly do to make it work.  This time he had to meet me half way.  It was going fine, and his brother died, and then he became so possessive and clingy, did not want me leaving the house, I became so depressed, I started working every other weekend with my great nephew and staying at my mom’s so I would not come home. Living at my house with him and his nephew who is 36 soon to be 37. He stays in his room watching tv about snakes  snake churches, anything with reptiles.  His nephew stays in his room and plays non stop video games.  The nephew does work and contributes to the bills, only thing keeping him here as far as I am concerned.

In the interim, I have not been involved with anyone.  I have friends and I hang out with them.  I went online to a dating site, and have talked to other women.  I do not want another man in my life!  I have met a woman and I have shared everything in detail about my situation, and she has shared hers with me.  She is a truck driver and I have met her in person.  We are good friends and I have fallen for her. She has quirks too.  She now lives in Phoenix AZ .  She has asked me to move in with her.  She works 5-6 days a week, and is home only on weekends.  I want to move out there, however I feel like I have to finish up business here and give myself time to learn about me and to love me again.  I have lost myself in all of this and I am so mixed up and confused.  I pray about this, I ask God to help me and to give me signs.   My friends say no do not go, one of my best friends tells me if I go to Arizona , he is through and will wish me well, but never speak to me again.  We have been friends for almost 25 years.  Why do I let people bully me around?  Why do I care what people think? Why do I let myself be held hostage emotionally?   Today I just totally lost it and came unglued on him.  I told him to stay out of my face, do not talk to me, do not look at me and for Christs sake do not let my name cross your lips!  I was about to spontaneously explode!   I am not an violent person, and it takes a lot to get me to the point of a yell even.  I just am very laid back.  I am also responsible as his legal power of attorney medically and financially.  I have asked his sister to take over but she said no!  Emphatically NO!!  I know my days under the same roof with him are numbered.  I just cannot do it anymore.  Nor do I want too!  

Will write more tomorrow!